*Note: This was written in spring 2020, when there was much rumor, no science, and no real plan to deal with COVID in the most confined spaces in America.

A friend of mine pulled me aside and told me that his sister just died from the coronavirus and now his mom is fighting the virus. As he explained this to me his eyes began to water. Regretfully, the only comfort I could offer was to listen. He eventually pulled himself together and assured me that he’d be able to soldier through. He concluded our talk with, “I don’t know how much more I can take!” I could only offer an empathetic nod.

Our exchange this morning caused me to dwell on the psychological weight that comes with our imprisonment and the extra weight caused by this COVID-19 pandemic. True, prison by its nature is stressful, but this COVID-19 adds a different burden to an already heavy experience.

On a personal note, I have constantly stressed about how it all affects my overall well-being since all this began. I’m always worrying about Mom. To a point of paranoia at times. All that on top of being consumed with maintaining my own health and safety in a place where I am getting no help or information.

COVID-19 reinforces the feeling that my life is expendable, a feeling that prison already tries to create within us. To understand what I mean by expendable, look at things from my perspective. Here I am in the middle of a pandemic with the governor declaring a “state of emergency.” All I’m given to deal with this is a cloth mask manufactured by other DOC residents haphazardly from extra material, instructions to wash my hands, and the offer to them know if I feel sick. Then I’m put back into this congested environment with approximately 80 other men in one shared space.  And just told to survive the best we can. 

No medical personnel explained to us what we’re facing or how to deal with COVID-19, no test is being offered to the prison population, and because of my existing medical issues I suspect I’m at a high risk when it comes to this virus.

My friend and I, and the majority of us within these prison walls, we all wonder, how much more can we take? We question our endurance, all the while hoping to survive prison generally. Along with this COVID-19, the combined weight puts all of us face to face with death.

I wasn’t sentenced to die.

Better yet, I have a right to life.