To anyone who’ll just feel about it…
It seems the world is falling apart. Life as we’ve known it has ended virtually overnight. Everyone I now is going through chaos, needs me, and there’s nothing I’m allowed to do about it.
Life behind bars is ever frustrating in its isolation and incapacitation. Despite having spent most of my time in Gangland Central at Greensville, it has always been the separation that’s been the source of pain and concern. I have a heart full of love and nothing to do with it. Helplessness, my worst punishment.
But those are the normal times here. Not now. Now, the only reality for anyone is COVID-reality. The virus has taken over TV, social media, and everybody’s lives leaving a trail of needs and worries for everyone I love.
Dmitrius, my hilarious, resilient, very social son has his voice crack with stress every time we talk. An honor roll student, he’s terrified he’s going to fail and be unprepared for next year because he doesn’t learn well without instruction. And he misses his friends. His mom says she can’t teach him this stuff, but I’m a teacher and adept at making moments of fun from drudgery. Just my moment, but here I can’t. Helpless.
Gin, my love, so strong to stay with me through all these prison years has been awash in tears and stress for months because her healing business has shed customers. She still helps everyone, with free public classes online and by offering a voice for thousands without one, but she doesn’t know if she can pay rent. I’ve got plenty of skills and would love to do anything to help her get by. And give her that hug she says is needed most. But here, I can’t. Helpless.
Mom has decades of medical issues making it hard for her to get to town for supplies and dangerous to be there. Every chat we get it great to know she’s alive but a list of her anxieties as my younger brother brings unknown germs home from his job at a gas station. I should be doing something. Here, I can’t. Helpless.
I’ve survived this prison time specifically because of my incredible family, waiting for the day I can finally give them back something they need. Now, today, these are the times they need me most, telling me so through the statice on the prison phone and their cracking voices, but I feel more helpless than ever. I’ve been a model prisoner since day 1, nearly a decade for a victimless, non-violent conviction. I’ll do anything to help. Volunteer on the front lines, work for minimum wage. All I want to do is contribute and no one will even consider letting me be of service. Here, I’m helpless to help.
In this hour of greatest need, please just let me help the world heal and those selfless folks I love so much.